I have long maintained that Bush can’t possibly be as dumb as he is portrayed (or sounds when he’s mangling English). Personally, I think he suffers from dysnomia, aggravated by alcohol and drug abuse when he was younger. But even if you’re a legacy, it’s tough to get through Yale and then Harvard Business School if you’re a dolt.

(I do have some friends who disagree, though, insisting that Bush’s family put pressure on those institutions to help him slide through.)

That being said, it does drive me nuts that Bush absolutely and adamantly refuses to actually talk to people. He has his talking points, and then he has his joking, frat-boy, friendly mode that a lot of people seem to respond to (I friggin’ hate it, but that’s me). For the benefit of both my readers, I herein give examples of how Bush would react to everyday situations with his pre-programmed, Auto-Bush responses:

Hits another car: “This is an unfortunate situation that I am sure trial lawyers such as John Edwards will be quick to take advantage of, which is one of the things holding our country back.”

Bounces a check: “Tax cuts would alleviate these kinds of problems.”

Overbilled at a restaurant: “Tax cuts would alleviate these kinds of problems.”

Homeless person asks for money: “What you need are tax cuts that stimulate the economy, creating jobs.”

Attends a party and, with the other guests, trashes the house, accidentally dumping beer in the aquarium (killing all the fish) and running over the family dog his car: [watching host clean up] “You have to stay until the job is done. Leaving would be defeat. Not finishing the job is to become a defeatocrat. Complaining would give succor to the enemy.” [leaves, handing cleanup bill to homeless person’s kids]

Gets caught shoplifting: “As the Commander in Chief in a time of war, I have to do whatever I feel is necessary to ensure our victory. These supplies are desperately needed by our brave troops. Do you want to be seen as not supporting our troops?”

Gets caught beating someone up: “America does not torture. I refuse to comment on the sources and methods we use to obtain information.”

As Molly Ivins said, in times like these, sometimes the only fun we can have is making fun of the folks in charge.